Booklet or Bookmark?

SERVICE BOOKLETS

A small A5 booklet is still the most favoured selection for many families. It usually contains the order of service, listing what will be happening and who is responsible as well as details of the music being played. Often this takes the form of headings based on the following example:

Acknowledging and Celebrating the life of someone special

Entry Music - Title and Artist

Welcome

Reading: Prose, Poetry, Prayer - Title of Reading and/or Names of Readers

Eulogy - Reader

Tributes- Readers

Reflection: Slideshow of pictures - Title and artist

Committal and Farewell

Final Music - Title and Artist

Thanks to those attending, details of refreshments

As you can see, there are options for including the words of special poems, prayers and/or words of thanks from the family together with details of any refreshments being offered after the service.

I encourage families to include at least a couple of photos - one recent one of the person whose life is being celebrated and one taken as a younger person. Many people also like to include family photos as well.

BOOKMARKS

A bookmark might only fit a photo, quote or words of thanks but is something that can be a less formal reminder of the service and of the person being honoured.

FAMILY CHOICE
Some families like to use both an order of service and a bookmark. Other families feel neither are necessary. Printing for both booklets and bookmarks can be done commercially or by the families themselves.

Making it Personal

I believe each person is like a diamond with many facets representing their interactions with others, their interests, their character, and the effects that the ever-changing world in which we all live have had on them. The challenge for a funeral celebrant is to reflect as many facets as possible in what sometimes seems like the shortest amount of time.

Music is a great start of course – whether the choices are prearranged from the person and/or their family. One track can set the scene at the start and another to see everyone off at the end. The addition of a slideshow, lowering and farewell times in the service are other opportunities to use music to its full advantage.

Flowers always give a colourful lift to a service and can be used to reflect a person’s favourite colour (or sporting team). At a recent service, the family gave out a single white rosebud as a corsage for everyone (along with a pink breast cancer ribbon). The white rosebud represented the person’s special colour, and the ribbon represented her courageous journey with breast cancer.

Coffins and caskets today come in all forms from cardboard to polished wood to wicker. (Note: The difference between coffins and caskets hinge on how they are shaped). Earlier this year, one family chose to have some stunning river scenery on the coffin. Another family had some decoration on a white coffin but requested that everyone leave a message on it as well.

Memorabilia often adorns coffins. I have seen rugs, cushions, medals, hats, sporting items, surfboards, fishing rods, paintings, pictures and ceramic items used as reminders of times shared.

Gifts to guests take a variety of formats too. A special order of service or bookmark can allow guests to later reflect and to remember the person being honoured. Toasts in the service certainly spark interest. Recently, a family used a message card to record some of the facets the guests wanted to share. (See my earlier blog.) Another family provided a seed card as a reminder of their loved one’s passion for gardening and as something for everyone to look forward to in the future.

For me, to make a service personal, to reflect as many personality, character and life experience facets as possible is both a challenge and a privilege. With the help of the family, I have the opportunity to discover the legacy that has been left for those who follow. In knowing the legacy, we both honour and celebrate a life well lived and deeply loved. This can often be the first step on the way forward.

Eulogies or Tributes

When I was first asked to speak at a funeral, I was not sure how I could do justice to a life in just a few minutes. I decided just to start writing and see where it took me. Several revisions later I knew this was it – a eulogy for my Dad - and a thank you for all that he had done for me. I do not have a copy of that talk and I cannot really remember exactly what I said – but I know how I felt. My best on this occasion was enough. It was tough going for a while.

This blog is about what I have learnt since then. I hope it is helpful to anyone called to deliver a talk (Eulogy or Tribute or both) at a funeral service.

The word Eulogy is explained by The Cambridge Dictionary  “a speech, piece of writing, poem, etc. containing great praise, especially for someone who recently died or retired from work.”

A Tribute (from the same source) is similar: “something that you say, write, or give that shows your respect and admiration for someone, especially on a formal occasion.”

These terms are almost interchangeable, but I feel they can work really well together.

Eulogies are great starting points for us to learn about a person’s life and times. They often include date and place of birth, parents and sibling details, schooling and what the person did later in life. As a funeral celebrant I offer to deliver these details on behalf of the family.

Tributes tend to deal with the relational aspects of someone’s life – including stories of trips, times and experiences that show how the person influenced others. These are often really personal experiences which need to come from those who have shared these times. As the default speaker, however, I will gladly fill in and deliver tributes when required to do so.

In my initial interview with a family, I try and take as much detail down as I can about the person whose life is to be celebrated – even if I am not required to deliver a eulogy or tribute as part of the service. I regard this as essential information in crafting the first draft of the service for the family.

I also offer to review words written by others – even if I am not the person responsible for sharing them at the service. This often helps speakers ensure they write down their thoughts in advance – often a stabilising influence when they might stray from the script. It is also a great way to ensure there is minimal duplication of information and that the family members have a complete record of all that is said (and is available for them to reflect on in later times).

So, if you have been asked to speak at a funeral service, you might like to consider the following:

Eulogy Points

·        Birth/death dates and places

·        Family history including names and occupations of parents, details of siblings, children, grandchildren

·        Education from early schooling to later life

·        Workplaces and skills

·        Travels and life experiences

·        Recreational pursuits

 Tribute Points

·        Ways in which you or others have been influenced through shared experiences. Could include holidays, meals and work

·        Things that you remember as being special about the person.

·        Quotes or mention of poetry, prose or music might fit perfectly here

·        Why you/others loved them so much.

·        What legacy, ideals, they have left you and others that have helped in growing up and shaping characters.

Message Cards

Recently, I suggested a family might like to provide guests with a small card and pen for them to record a message about the person that we were honouring at the service. The message could details of how they had met the person, how the person might have influenced their lives or simply a message of care and concern for the family. Guests would be encouraged to leave the card on a side table or to keep it if they wished. A special reflective music track would be played while the cards were being written.

I had seen this done before with amazing results - as often even close family members are not aware of the many interactions each person has in the multiple worlds in which they operate. The family agreed and prepared a beautiful card complete with lines, and a special pen for the guests. The time came for the cards to be written and guests focussed on the task at hand.

We were ovewhelmed with cards at the end of the service and the family gave very positive feedback. After reading through the many responses, they described the end result as “ a lovely and very moving keepsake”.

I do love it when a plan comes together!